I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
