At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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