Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
