Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i barfeds in our rink
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
