i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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