So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
