genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my shit smells like andre
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
