no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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