brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
