We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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