I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
