I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
