I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
