Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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