I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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