I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
