Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
