forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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