So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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