Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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