If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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