my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
