She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
