don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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