just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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