My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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