I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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