i'm signing you up for texting rehab
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
