I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
