he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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