my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
