Yo dont text me then not text me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
