Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
