i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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