I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
