i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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