Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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