umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
