I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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