I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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