Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
