dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
