I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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