Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
