Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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