im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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