I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I did not marry a roomba.
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