if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
