i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
