I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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